I'm a child of divorce. And although I don't like to give myself labels and I don't like to put myself in a box... Child of Divorce is my label and I am in a box whether I like it or not. As such, I've carried around some seriously heavy baggage for my entire life and try as I might, it inevitably has an effect on my personal relationships, my outlook on life and my emotional well being.
Having said all that, I'm a firm believer that past pain and heavy emotional baggage doesn't have to ruin any chance of a normal life or healthy relationship. However, unless you can come to grips with it and unless you can stare that baggage head on and say "I see you, I know you're there and I won't let you weigh me down", that normal healthy life will always be a far-fetched ideal. Step one: facing the facts.
Fact: When I was 3 years old my parents got divorced after 12 years of marriage and 2 children. And it was definitely for the better as their relationship just wasn't a good one anymore. Until recently my thought process was the following: I know the divorce affected me, I know that it changed me, I also know it was for the best, but how much could it really have done to me emotionally?
Step 2: Understand that we are emotional animals and ALL things have their lasting effect. As I now look at my 3 year old niece and how she's attached at the hip to her father, and how the whole world disappears when he walks into a room, I know how much it really did to me. And for the first time in my life I can open the baggage, sort through it and start to put it all away.
Step 3: See things as they really are. I was a lucky kid when my parents got divorced. My mother remarried a man who took on her two children as if they were his own. And it couldn't have been an easy task. Not because he wasn't ready for children... but because he wasn't ready for children who hated him. And when I say hated, I mean H.A.T.E.D. He would come near me and I would spray him with imaginary "you're gross" spray, screaming "EWWWWW" as I ran as far away as my little legs could take me. Really? What kind of a kid does that? Was I that evil? Or was I just that angry because I was getting love and attention from a man other than my father? Oh wait, I failed to mention that this extreme hatred and disgust went on for about 15 years! What kind of man deals with that? A saint, that's who. Like I said, I was a lucky kid.
Step 4: Forgiveness. This can take years, if not a lifetime. But starting the process makes a world of a difference. Since I was a child, my mother has stayed close with my father. He has been at almost every holiday, birthday, graduation, baptism... hell my mother, stepfather and my entire immediate family even went to his 3rd wedding! Why? Because what she taught me was that anger gets you nothing but angry and life is just too short for that. She also taught me that parents are just people. And they make mistakes and screw up like every person on this Earth. We look up to our parents thinking they'll always do the right thing, but that's just not reality. Sometimes their relationships fail, they do the wrong thing and they just screw up. Forgiveness...
I just got some emails from my father, who is finally (at 65) doing what he wants to do with his life. He's working in a fun job that allows him to travel, he's married to a woman he loves, and he's coaching college basketball, something he's been passionate about since he was young. I can see the happiness in his face every time I see him and I know it's because he's forgiven himself. Who am I to not do the same?
I'm finished carrying the weight of the world on my back. I'm finished being angry. I'm finished holding grudges and being sad. Strings cut. Moving forward. I only take what I can carry.
GSD,
Kristen
No comments:
Post a Comment